Lights Will Guide You Home
by Brianna Jackson
Summary: Rachel deals with the stages of grief.


**In the wake of the tragic death of Cory Monteith I have written a one shot. Please enjoy**

* * *

**Denial**

"_So breathe, while you're, alive."_

For some reason she decided to take the long way home that day. Versus taking the subway and having her journey home take a maximum of two hours, she chooses to walk all the way from her dance workshop to the apartment she and Kurt share.

Kurt calls of course. Many times but she thinks nothing of it. He's worried is all. She's almost an hour late getting home and he's probably just calling to make sure she was safe on the subway.

_On my way home now- Rachel*_, she says in a text message.

He doesn't reply so she assumes whatever he was calling her about wasn't too urgent.

But when she gets home, the front door is left unlocked and in her living room are her dads. No Kurt. No Santana.

Her first thought is to be excited. She's missed her dads and she's excited to see them.

Her next thought is to be worried because of the looks on their faces. Her older fathers whitening eyebrows are knitted together, his lip twitching under her confused stare. Her other father appears to crying, his head in his hands sitting quietly on the couch. Neither of them look at her directly.

"Rachel, honey, you need to come home," her oldest father says, his voice telling her she has no choice.

"Is something wrong?" She finally finds the courage to ask, looking between her two fathers. "Where is Kurt? Where is Santana?"

"Honey there has been an accident."

* * *

She surprises her fathers on the plane ride home.

Preparing for a spastic scene, they had bought the first three rows of seats in the first class area of the plane so they could receive some privacy.

But she's quite.

She sits with her eyes trained past her father, staring out of the window of the plane. Occasionally she'll look away and twiddle with the straw in her diet coke or blow a few bubbles with her gum. And then she goes right back to occupying her time with looking out of the window.

"Where is Kurt?" She asks suddenly, making her fathers jump. They both look at each other, their eyes widening at the question.

"He caught the plane just before ours. His father called," her younger father, Leroy explains. Her other father, Ryan, nods his head.

"Where do you think Finn is now?"

Her fathers are silent.

"You think he's happy?"

"Yes, " Leroy whispers, trying his best to cover his sobs. He's unsuccessful and his voice cracks.

"Good."

* * *

Her life is empty for a lack of better words.

Although that may seem cliché and the last thing Rachel Berry would ever want to be is cliché, the words fit and she understood why people said them.

It had been a day and suddenly the things that seemed important yesterday weren't important today. Nothing seemed important and as far as she was concerned nothing in her life would ever be.

The world was a dark place without Finn Hudson.

It always would be.

* * *

Lima is a small town. Everyone knew Finn and every one was grieving in their own way for him.

And this angered her.

No one really knew him. Not the way she knew him.

He was her best friend and for the majority of high school, her only friend. His mannerisms were literally engraved in every crevice of her. The way he walked, the way he talked, the way he smirked.

Things had changed after she moved to New York but never in their time apart did she ever feel disconnected from him. No matter how mad they were at each other, they always had something that pulled them back to each other.

They had too much history for it to not be that way.

A tether you could call it.

* * *

She refuses to see anyone for three days.

Her fathers tell her when someone rings and asks her if they can come in. She says no every time.

Quinn—surprisingly—is the first to arrive. Rachel doesn't talk to her but she watches as her grey BMW disappears down her driveway after her fathers turn her away. She realizes this must be hard for her too. As much as she hates to admit, she and Finn had a very long and difficult past and losing him can't be easy.

Sam comes next.

Then Artie and his mom.

Then Brittany.

Then Mike and Tina who seem to be back together.

Mr. Schue and Mrs. Pillsbury stop by with a bouquet of flowers. She actually makes the trip down the steps to watch them from the stairs as they talk to her fathers.

Mr. Schue catches her eye and before he can say anything, she runs to her room, closing the door tightly before her fathers make her speak to them.

On the third day, Puck comes and for some reason when her fathers ask if he can come up, she allows it.

He's dressed the same way she remembers leaving him. His hear shaved off, his muscles toned and wearing a white beater three times too small for his body. She almost laughs but then she remembers why he's here and why she won't ever laugh again.

He doesn't say anything. He just sits next to her in bed, removing his shoes and lying back.

They stay like that for a long time—the silence not uncomfortable but calming almost.

She hears noise beside her and cranes her head to the side, watching as tears roll down his cheeks. Watching him, she feels her emotions get the best of her and for the first time, she cries.

Together they cry, holding each other tightly, somehow healing in the midst of the others pain.

They stay that way until late in the night.

* * *

**Anger**

"_But if you loved me, why'd you leave me?"_

She doesn't leave the house until the day of the funeral.

She had tried to talk her fathers out of making her go but they had convinced her it would be healthy for her to go. They said it would help her heal, move on with her life.

She was annoyed that her parents thought watching the love of her life get put into the ground would help her "move on".

Somehow, she manages to get a brush through her hair and finds an old dress from high school lying around in her closet. Her father Ryan helps her stain her lips red with lipstick and pin her hair to the back of her neck but honestly, she could care less about how she looked.

It didn't matter anymore.

The car ride to the church was silent. Her fathers didn't speak and neither did she.

She kept her eyes trained out of the window, watching as the small town of Lima passed her by. She came to the realization now that she hated this place more than ever. Everywhere she looked was something that reminded of her of what was now missing.

The school yard, the high school, the tire shop.

Every corner in this small town was haunted by the ghost of one Finn Hudson and she couldn't decide if this made her feel more at peace or more angry at the world.

For one thing, she always had somewhere to go back too. Somewhere where she knew she could feel him, relive the years she spent with him. But then again, she wasn't sure she wanted to relive those years.

The best years of her lives now seemed like the worst.

She looks away from the window then, feeling nauseas as they pass breadsticks which has been shut down for the time being.

No one is waiting outside of the church when they get arrive. Her fathers seemed to have planned this because as soon as the car rolls to a stop, her door is opened and someone she doesn't recognize has a firm grip on her upper arm, guiding her over the grounds.

As they near the doors, the feeling of nausea gets stronger.

"Stop. I need a break, please stop," she mumbles, trying her best to free herself. The grip loosens and she empties she stomach onto a pair of white track shoes.

"Well dammit, Berry." It's a voice she'd know anywhere.

Sue Sylvester.

She almost breaks down. She almost falls to the ground and sobs when she sees the familiar face but manages to swallow her feelings—and what's left of her breakfast—and wipe her mouth. "I'm sorry," she cries.

Sue says nothing. She just opens the door of the church.

The church is full. So full in fact, that people are having to stand.

Rachel feels like she's in high school again. Everyone's eyes turn towards her and she knows she can't do this. She can't face these people now. She can't face this whole situation now.

But then she sees Carol who has the biggest smile on her face. As if she's seeing, him on last time and Rachel knows she can't run. She has to be there for her. For Kurt and Burt who have to be just as sad as she is.

Although Rachel has no plans to run, her fathers still have to physically carry her down the aisle of the church. Her mind may be willing to stay but her body isn't.

Her eyes don't leave the carpeted aisle as she moves. She can feel the eyes on her but can't will herself to look up, knowing she'll lose it if she does.

She doesn't look up either. She can't look at the casket.

Because she still hasn't come to terms that he's in there. That he'll spend eternity in there.

She's seated next to Carol who hugs her for a long time before releasing her and taking ahold of her hand. Rachel gives her the best smile she can manage.

The sermon starts and Rachel can't stop herself from giggling quietly although she can feel the stares on the back of her head as she does so.

The preacher speaks of a God.

_What God,_ Rachel wonders.

* * *

Rachel waits until the church empties of strangers before she chances a look around the church. Luckily, the only people that are left are the glee club and their parents.

All of their eyes are trained on her and when she looks back, they all look away quickly, engaging in conversation with each other.

She then looks forward, finally seeing the hardwood casket that sits before her. The one holding her heart.

Before she can sike herself out of it, she moves forward, placing her left hand atop the wooden casket. It's not open and she's happy about that. She knows what's in there and doesn't wish to see it.

"Hi," she suddenly says. She knows everyone is watching her but she ignores the stares. She needs this.

"So I guess this is it, huh? This is how the Finn and Rachel saga end, huh?" She gives a humorless laugh, shaking her head from side to side. "Why did you leave me here? Why would you leave me here?" She falls to her knees then, finally giving into the emotions she's been dealing with for so long.

"I'm so mad at you," she admits honestly. "I'm so mad at you. I'm mad at you for leaving me at that train station and I'm mad about you for leaving me in New York. I'm mad at you for not coming with me. We were supposed to be together forever. We were end game, remember? What am I going to do without you? If you know, please let me know somehow because right now there's nothing for me without you. How do I make it in this world without you next to me? I never thought about it honestly, because being with you was the only thing I was sure about. Now I don't know. Now I feel empty and abandoned and…"

Rachel trails off, the sobs suddenly becoming too much for her to handle. She feels a comforting arm fall onto her shoulder, and she looks up, forgetting she had an audience.

It's Becky. Her blonde hair in pig tails and Rachel can't help but laugh, a warm feeling spreading through her. "You got you braces off," she points out through the tears. Becky smiles, showing off her straightened white teeth.

They sit like that for a little while, Beckys hand on her shoulder and Rachel struggling to catch her breath through the sobs.

"Here," Becky says suddenly, handing Rachel a piece of paper.

Rachel unfolds the first wad, examining it closely. It was a hand drawn picture of what appeared to be a man in the sky. She could vaguely read the words "Finn" over the angels' halo. Rachel smiles, her tears smudging the stick figure of what appears to be Becky in the corner. The picture settled something inside Rachel although—as of now—she was entirely certain she believed there was a god. "Thank you," she whispers.

"Open the other one," Becky says, nudging her hand.

And when she does it's the certificate of the star that Finn had gotten her for Christmas their senior year. "I forgot all about this," Rachel whispers honestly.

"Finn was trying to prove to me that he had a star named after him so he printed this out for me. It comes with a map, too."

And that night, Rachel finds the star.

She finds the "Finn" star and decides that it shines the brightest of them all.

* * *

**Bargaining **

"_Take my body, take my body."_

She wakes up one morning wondering why it was Finn that was taken.

He was the most honest man. The kindest and gentlest. The world needed more Finn Hudson's and Rachel began to wonder why God would take one away.

Why was it not her?

It seemed the world had to many Rachel Barbra Berrys.

After a forced therapy session with Mrs. Pillsbury, she asked.

Mrs. Pillsbury was silent for a long time, her large eyes trained down at the ground. "You know what Rachel, because it wasn't your time to go."

"Why was it his?"

"We will never know."

Rachel cries a lot then.

"I should've been there for him. I should've-"

"Rachel." Mrs. Pillsbury interrupts. "The world lost a great man that day and we will never know why it was his time. But what we do know what that it was his time and all we can do is hope and pray that he's waiting for us when it's our time." She pauses before adding, "Finn loved you very very much, Rachel. Sometimes more than himself."

Rachel cries harder. "I lost the love of my life." Mrs. Pillsbury reaches across the table then, her eyes full of unshed tears. "I'm so lost without him. I just go through everything over and over and over again. Wondering what I could've done better, what could've saved him. What I could've done to save us."

"I don't truly think you to were ever apart. Maybe in distance but never really apart."

"Do you think he knew I loved him? Like before he…"

"He knew Rachel. Everyone knew."

The silence stretches on.

"Why was it his time? He had so much ahead of him and… I just don't know why it had to be someone so genuine, so good. Why couldn't it have been me?"

"Rachel, can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Would you have wanted him to feel this way?"

"Of course not."

"Exactly. I don't know why these things happen but they do and you will get through it. Right now it may not seem that way, but you will."

"I wont ever love anyone again," Rachel admits.

"No," Mrs. Pillsbury agrees. "No. Not the way you loved Finn. But someday someone is gonna come along and their going to make you feel almost as good. Not quite but they stitch up most of what has been ripped out of your heart."

"God obviously isn't a big fan of mine." Rachel jokes. "He won't send me anyone."

"Maybe not but Finn will."

* * *

**Depression**

"_Without you hear the seasons pass me by"_

She loses ten pounds following the weeks of his disappearance from earth.

She still finds herself avoiding saying the "d-word" as if avoiding it will make it any less true.

Anyone, she finds she's not thirsty, or hungry, or tired, or sad, or mad. She doesn't feel anything honestly. Just empty.

She felt like she was just someone roaming aimlessly looking for a muse she would never find.

But apparently feeling this way is normal so she doesn't try to change it.

Kurt comes by regularly to watch black and white movies.

The two don't speak.

She begins to wonder if she'll ever start to feel better.

It seems everyone else has.

The world goes on with or without you.

It goes on with or without Finn Hudson and that's what scares her the most.

"I really miss him," she admits one night at dinner. She realizes that this may be the first time she's actually said these words out loud. She's been so mad at the world for the past month she hasn't had the time to grasp that she just misses him.

She just missed the way he would get jumbled on his words or the way he would call her out of the blue. She misses the way he would say her name and the feel of his hand in hers. She missed the way he winked both eyes in the mornings and the way he would whisper things in his sleep.

Most of all she missed hearing the words "I love you".

Her fathers look up from there dinner plates and stare at each other.

"We do too," they say in unison as it was rehearsed.

"There's a lot to miss," she agrees before finishing her salad.

* * *

**Acceptance**

"_No ones gone in vain, here is where they stay. This life has been insane but, today has been okay."_

She visits McKinley in March, two months later.

School is well underway but no one questions her as she moves through the halls without a visitor pass.

She stops by her old locker, trying the combination and laughing when she realizes it's the same one. The locker now belongs to a very nice boy who was confused when he saw an ex-student remerging through his belongings.

She goes to Finns locker then and tries it. It's the same.

She goes to the cafeteria. Then Sue Sylvester's office. Then the gym.

She finds them all empty.

Finally stopping by the choir room. That is also empty but everything looks the same. She wonders over to her usual seat, sitting silently alone for a while. She laughs to stop herself from crying about everything, amazed by how much emotion this room holds.

Her hands move over the piano keys and she wonders where Brad went. She hopes she's well.

The bell rings above her and she moves hurriedly, not wanting anyone to really find her here.

She knows there's one more place to go before she heads home.

The auditorium.

She makes her way up the stairs of the stage, sitting on the edge, and swinging her feet. She smiles, running her hands over the plaid skirt she decided to wear today. She felt like she was in high school all over again.

"You know you can kiss me if you want too," she says out loud, laughing at how ridiculous she sounds.

She doesn't expect an answer this time though.

But somewhere, in the very back of her mind she can hear his silky voice whispering back, "I want too."

* * *

She's leaving for New York tomorrow. Her parents finally trust her enough to be alone and she finally feels ready enough to be alone.

She has more good days now than bad ones although they do occur occasionally.

Before she leaves though she stops by the Hudson-Hummel household. Burt and Carol are waiting for her.

They sit and the first few minutes are awkward. They all skirt around the obvious elephant hanging in the room, neither of them knowing whether or not it would be a good idea to address it.

But Carol does.

"He wanted me to mail this to you," she says, handing Rachel a letter. "He wrote it after reading about you in the paper. I don't know what it says but he wanted you to have it."

Rachel thanks her and stashes it in her bag.

Once safely in the car, she unfolds the lettering.

* * *

_Rach,_

_I know I was a jerk the last time we spoke but I just read about you in the paper. I figured writing to you would be more romantic and more permanent than a text message so here you go. _

_Just wanted you to know how much I love you. _

_You are the brightest star in my sky and not a day goes by that you're not on my mind. I will spend forever searching for a way back to your heart and die trying. I know that sounds nothing like me and I won't lie and tell you that Blaine didn't kinda help me out with that one but it doesn't mean I didn't mean it. _

_There is nothing I would've loved more than to have married you that day. But you needed to be away from me and seeing you do all these amazing things makes me so sure I made the right decisions. Every day I'm amazed by you and all the little things you do. We may be miles apart but somehow I've never felt so close to you._

_I can't wait to marry you one day._

_You are and always will be the love of my life. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours, _

_Finn._

_P.S._

_Sorry if this seems really dramatic and scary. I just really needed you to know. See you soon. I love you._

* * *

The death has affected me greatly and I found it hard not to write about it. I know that I didn't know Cory personally but I feel that everybody in the fandom felt they did. We can not imagine how hard and heartbreaking this must be for not only Lea Michele but for the whole cast.

Im sorry to say Gleeks but I have a feeling the show may be ending after next season or may face cancellation this season. The death of not only Cory but Finn as well will be too much for the cast, crew and fans to handle. The show will never be the same and the world will never be the same.

Reading the cast and crews tweets have broken my heart and I fear that some of the good has just left the world.

With that said, please pray for the Monteith family and all those directly affected by the tragedy.

I did not put in the cause of death of Finn in this story because i'm not entirely sure what the writers will have that be but feel free to imagine.

Lastly, I hope the media does not paint Cory to be some type of celebrity with a drug problem. Sadly, that's what he was but he was also so much more than that. He was friendly too all and an overall good guy. I hope the world remembers him for his triumphs and not solely for the tragic ending of his life. He was a talented young man who will be missed by many and mourned for a life time.

-B

PS. I would appreciate only kind reviews.


End file.
